Sunday, November 18, 2007
it's done. it's happened. i'm 20. haha. no more teasing friends about them being old. now that i'm not 19 anymore. haha. thanks to all my lovely friends for your well wishes. thanks to my family and relatives for throwing a party for me! haha.
when i was a kid, birthdays used to be about presents and cakes and parties. now when i turn a year older, i think about the person i am, the person i was, the person i've become. the person i want to be. i wonder if i've lived up to the expectations of the people i love, if i've disappointed them...or if i've made them proud. mostly i think about my mommy and how she carried me in her for 9 months, how she nurtured me from an egg to this 20 year old. and i wonder what i'm doing to make her life good. and i realise...nothing. absolutely nothing.
i just exist. for 20 years, i've just existed and depended. i haven't contributed to making her life more comfortable. i've taken and i've received. but what have i given to her? people always say the chance for a child to take care of a parent comes when he/she has grown up, starts working, gotten married. so does that mean the only way i can make her life better is when i have the money to do so? whatever happened to that concept of 'little things' which can put a smile on a person's face? sincerity, love, being filial. it's just not enough.
sometimes i feel my view of life is so jaded. but sometimes, it's just true. ultimately, it's not how much i love my mother that matters. it's the 5 room HDB flat i can buy to provide a home for her. it's not how my jokes can make her laugh. it's the food i can put on the table. ultimately, it's not love that keeps you from going hungry. it's money.
after all, money makes the world go round. no matter how much people want to believe otherwise. but maybe it's that hope that there's something better than the superficiality of our lives that keeps us surviving in this materialistic world. i don't know. i don't know what to think anymore.
i just know that i have exams in less than a week. and i haven't started studying. and that i'm 20 and practically an adult. but what have i done to make a difference?
# happy birthday to me.
20:36
