Tuesday, December 19, 2006
oh the drama of today. gosh, i never imagined a normal 3day2night chalet could turn out like this. normally i wouldn't talk about my family affairs...but this incident has gotten me thinking about some issues.
checked into the chalet yesterday. and it was all fine and fun. my family, my aunt's family, my mom's cuz family, u get the picture. normal family gathering. and yesterday was way fun. yes. barbecue, (or tried to cos it kept raining, but we finally did!), games, etc. except for this one incident where i got so fucking pissed off that i felt like wringing a certain person's neck. but that is not the focus of this entry.
and today was s'posed to be fun. but well, life is just fucked up that way. today was wild wild wet day. and we were all excited for it and stuff. my aunt (main character no. 1 of this incident) was s'posed to bring us but suddenly in the morning, her office calls. and unsurprisingly, she has to go back to the office cos of some stupid problem (cos it's common knowledge to us that her office is fucked up. and her working hours are shit. i shall not name the company...but everyone knows it) and so she goes back. me and my cousin go to wild wild wet and we're supposed to meet the rest there after my aunt comes back. but that doesn't happen till about 3?
ok so fine. came back and everything was still fun. everyone's in the chalet and i'm kinda in this zoned out mode, fell asleep three times and just watching frasier when suddenly my grandma (main character no. 2 of this incident) starts screaming. i'm like. hmm wtf just happened? i thought everyone was just talking and stuff.
and my aunt starts screaming back, crying and stuff. and they have this verbal match, childhood insecurities coming up, new insecurities coming up. the content of the argument isn't too impt...it's just at the end of it all, some of us are wondering exactly what they were fighting about. whatever it was, i'm left with more than 2 completely upset pple. because this incident affected lots of pple, like my mom, my mom's cuz.
anyways my grandma didn't want to go anywhere. not my aunt's house. not my house. she said she'll make her own way. and everyone, leave her alone. yeah like i'd do that. she'd have to cut off my legs and my arms (cos i'll prob drag my torso after her) then run me over with the cab she was trying to escape into and perform an exorcism on my spirit which would be following her. well you get the picture.
and my aunt, in all her misery and anger, left. understood it though. it would have been completely pointless to grovel and beg for forgiveness because my grandma is one stubborn woman.
but now my grandma is in my house. safe and sound. after two failed attempts at leaving. one involving a nice cabbie who offered his phone number and license number and to drive her straight home. (when she refused to let anyone in the cab, but i did get in anyway, and thus she got out)
but still. the fight was uncalled for. a misunderstanding perhaps, coupled with high tension and stress. my aunt, with her work, the stress from it, i think translating to the other aspects of her life. and her increasingly short temper. my grandma, with my aunt. and having to take care of her children and household, which is not an easy job. at all.
i can't say i'm siding with either one of them. because they're both at fault. because i had to witness my mother crying cos she was so affected by their fight. and i will always side with my mother.
and as i sit at my laptop on this sleepless night where i hope my grandma doesn't try to run away, trying to get my thoughts in order, (and my sunburn to stop hurting) i start to maybe understand why each continued to fuel the misunderstanding. i'm not saying it's right. but it's a part of human nature.
stress from work has always been a huge factor in people's lives. and my aunt is no different. i can't say i know how it feels like cos i have yet to experience it. but anyone in customer service should understand it. and i wonder how many pple let all their frustrations out on their families or friends due to the shit they face at work...it's no wonder families are broken, why children barely see their parents, why the aged barely see their children. there's a lot wrong with our society, but so what if i say it? nothing's being done to change it...nothing except making it worse. evolution. this is evolution.
when my grandma showed her stubborn side just now, just to defy my aunt, i thought she was just being unreasonable and moody. but upon further thought, i realised she's just being who she is. an old person. most of us do not have this burden that the aged have on their shoulders. what you may ask? when many just sit at home and don't work...when they call the retirement years the golden years?
dictionary.com- the meaning of 'old'
1. far advanced in the years of one's or its life: an old man; an old horse; an old tree.
2. of or pertaining to the latter part of the life or term of existence of a person or thing: old age.
getting older. at a certain age, it becomes clear that every single day may be your last. death. yes, we acknowledge it, but who really accepts it? how many pple can say they are ready to die tomorrow? being old is a blessing in a way, going through life, wiser. but it's a curse as well.
life. death. so close to it.
so maybe she wasn't moody. maybe she was just old, afraid. not just of death. but of loneliness, of abandonment. how many of us don't have a moment of weakness where we fear being left alone? magnified. ten times. twenty times. to be old, to fear being useless, obsolete. i can't imagine. not until i'm old. so. she wasn't being bitter. just old.
or maybe i'm thinking too much.
still. fights are common amongst family members. even fights are a blessing. to fight with a family member, to have a family. to have a mother, to have a brother, a father, an uncle, a niece, a grandma, a son, a daughter...would i rather fight with my mother? or be surrounded by the silence of not having one? i'll pick the former willingly, thank you.
i'm feeling completely depressed. and it seems negativity works well for my writing. and everything i'm thinking, everything i'm feeling, brings me to my own problems. my own fears. my own insecurities. my life.
my grandma wants to take her stuff from my aunt's house (cos that's where she's living now). would she really keep silent the rest of her life? no matter how much they fight, there will be regret in the end. and pure guilt.
talk of breaking off ties. now that's ridiculous to me. but not unheard. in my family, it had been done once a long time ago. will it happen again? it might. and i fear that i may be a main character in that drama if the day ever arrives. that is my biggest fear. more than any physical phobia i have. this is my insecurity.
so. if i am disowned one day, i would not ask myself where i would go. or what i would do. i would ask myself, will i ever see my mother again?
the weather seems to agree with the drama tonight. rain. thunder. lightning. pathetic fallacy, much?
#it's a choice you will soon regret. the pain is just too in depth.
01:39
Friday, December 08, 2006
okie dokie. so exams finally end. sighhh. can't believe i had to wait like one week for my last paper. so did not have the mood to do the paper at all. sigh. actually went to expo for john little sale (again) just before the paper. haha. holiday-ish mood already.
right. so i wanna go out. and i'm so free. pple ask me out. please do. haha. i'm so bored at home. playing xbox, xbox and more xbox. while that is fun, i really do wanna get out of the house and reconnect with society every once in a while. haha.
spent a lot of money this past week. in ikea. and at the john little sale. man i'm a sucker for sales sometimes. i mean why get something when it's expensive. just wait la. den spend all your moolah. haha.
ok guess i'll be going to play xbox now. toodles.
01:25
