something happened some days ago. and i was reminded of an episode of oprah. it was aboutboy called mattie stepanek (1990-2004) who suffered and died from a rare disease. and i wondered about all the other children who would die from diseases everyday. and about their families and their suffering.

and then i thought about the people who would leave their families hanging...

...after killing themselves.

...and how you tried. and you failed. and now, the same family you tried to abandon, is going to try to mend you. because you're broken.

countless people pray for their sons and daughters everyday. they pray that they are safe and

well. for parents, their children are never far from their minds, for they are the precious gifts anyone is lucky to receive.

to me, my mother is my most important person. as a child, i am not the precious gift bestowed upon her...but instead, i am the one who has received someone irreplaceable, and i consider myself lucky to have been chosen as the child to be given to my mother. through all the darkness of my life, she has been the constant light. i cannot deny that i've hurt her many times, be it my actions or my words. and sometimes, i feel like i've taken her for granted. no amount of guilt or remorse can ever erase the hurt from her heart, but if i could, i would bear all her pain.

it's no secret, a mother's work is never done, and even after she dies, she will be watching over her child, as she has done since becoming a mother.

everyday someone dies. someday, everyone dies. so deep in my heart, i know the day will come when my mother will die, and so will i. and just thinking about it hurts, and i know i cannot prevent death. so the only thing i can do is to make sure i don't die before her, so she won't have to feel the pain of losing a child. i am prepared to feel the pain of losing a loved one, because it's not right, a parent burying a child.

so you, you who tried to rush death, i truly hate you. i may not hate you forever, but i will never forgive you for making your mother hurt so badly. and it really pissed me off so bad that i would have punched you and kicked you, if it didn't bring more tears to her eyes. because it's not right, you being so close to the brink of death, with your mother sitting by your side, praying and blaming herself for all your selfishness.

and i wish, i really wish i could have turned back the clock, so that i could have stopped you in time. just so those tears would have never fallen. so that the smile from her face would have never been erased. so that she would have never asked God to take her life instead of yours. until that day, i have never heard a cry of agony as painful as that. truly, i would have turned back the clock, because it tears me up inside, to see ANY mother hurt.

because it's just not right dammit...to hurt the one who kept you safe in her for more than nine months. it's not right to hurt the one who raised you...it's fucking wrong. if you still don't know what you did was wrong, if my words don't reach your eyes, my voice doesn't reach your ears, your mother's tears doesn't reach your heart...

...then you are truly broken. and broken things should be thrown away.

but a mother would never do that. so everytime you hurt yourself, just remember you're hurting your mother as well.

it's just not right dammit.