Happiness, joy, woe and suffering,
A sense of elation, yet tears are falling,
Antithesis, an opposite of one another,
And yet, in the end, they're alike,
Just emotions, similar to the other.
i don't know why i tried so hard. why i kept hanging on to that illusion of happiness, when deep inside, i just wanted out. even those moments where my heart soared, my mind kept wondering how much it would hurt when my heart would fall from those heights. and no pain i imagined could ever compare to the real thing, even though i knew what was going to happen, even though i prepared for it. even though i asked for it.
maybe i'm just a fucked up person, hanging on that long. maybe i'm just screwed up, for not even telling anyone. for keeping it a secret. maybe i'm just crazy for wanting and yet not wanting, pulling and yet pushing. then hurting, when it's over. is this even normal? why can't i make up my mind?
what is wrong with me? trying to be strong, when i really am weak. trying to face it alone, when i really want a friend. wanting to be left alone, but wanting to be surrounded. wanting to be happy, and expecting to be sad. the cynic that i am, what the fuck is love anyway? everyone keeps saying they're in love. oh wow, he told me he loves me last night. oh wow, i met him last week and i'm in love with him. i'm starting to hate that word...but what does anyone care? i'm just being bitter and angry.
and you, oh great believer...what is wrong with you? just stop trying...stop trying to make me try, with those pitiful eyes and that begging smile. maybe we were perfect for each other after all. crazy as we are...
but now all i have and want are memories. always the memories. why can't i just forget? certain moments that fill me with happiness, and the sadness it brings later. burn, burn those memories. burn those photographs. burn those letters. burn everything. burn my heart, and maybe the pain will make me forget the pain of losing you. oh wait, i didn't lose you...i made you go away.
i have half a mind to delete this post. i'm making no sense. but what the fuck do i care? you're reading this. and you'd understand. we're the same, you and i. maybe that's why it started out great, progressed well, and ended fucked up.
and i'm sorry. for everything. why the hell did we have to meet each other anyway? god, two fucked up people trying to make things work, it's a recipe for disaster.
and you understand it, don't you? there's no such thing as being friends again. parting is what it is. say goodbye. it's not a 'see you' or someday. it's an end, to a screwed up fairytale, where cinderella is the evil bitch who comes in between a mentally insane prince charming and her stepmother who's the love of his life. it's a forever and no more, because somehow that's what i do best.
so it was a mistake. one i will never learn from. it's happened twice after all. and i will probably repeat again. so it was a dream. a fantastic dream which turned into a nightmare, and yet i didn't want to wake up. so it was a lie. a lie i kept believing, because i've gotten so good at lying, so good at keeping up pretences, of hiding behind a smile. and in the end, it was a mistake, a dream, a lie...and it was us. not us, not anymore...it was you and me.
it was.
past tense. not present, not future. there's nothing, nothing but memories.
burn the memories. burn them. stop crying. stop the tears from falling.
just stop.
