Tuesday, September 07, 2004
sometimes i wonder...why does she keep forcing me to open up to her? why does she keep trying to help me? time and time again...she asks me...am i having problems? what's wrong? why does she keep insisting on helping me? when...she never lets me in. when she never opens up to me...so why does she try to get me to open up? hypocritical? i dunno...is this her way of closing herself off to others? by trying to be everyone's guardian angel? everyone's fairy godmother? why does she bother with me when she doesn't want me to bother with her? and in the end...all she does is succeed in making me feel worse. she knows...she knows i'd rather be ignored...den be forced to tell her anything dat happened. and i notice the hurt look on her face...e one that says..."i thot i'm your friend...why won't you tell me what's wrong?" dat look which makes me feel extremely guilty and bad for letting my bad mood affect her. and i know i haf to apologise. and i do. and she tells me everything will be ok. but she doesn't even know anything.
and when she's suddenly in that bad mood...i ask her...what's wrong? nothing's wrong. everything's great. she's fine. she's got no problems. but i know there's something wrong. why doesn't she talk to me? why does she juz walk away? i asked her only once. i don't pursue the matter. i juz smile and joke as usual. but deep down inside......
it hurts.
it hurts to noe dat someone you are so close with juz...pushes you away like that. but it makes me wonder...am i the same when i'm in the same bad pissy mood? did i push her away? was my apology not enough to let her know.."hey, you can talk to me...like you always do." but she knew...she knew i didn't like to talk about my problems...at least until a few days...she knew it was easier for me to just...be ignored.
what happened to us? did we grow up? did we become so busy...that we don't even know each other anymore? did we find that many other friends? did we become so self-centred? did we drift apart so much that....... she told me once i was her confidante...her pillar of strength...someone she knew would not say anything stupid when she was crying. someone who would just be there...and now...what am i? am i juz another...acquaintance? just another friendster profile? just another......someone?
and sometimes i wonder...is it my fault? did i do something wrong? did i not try hard enough when she needed a friend? was i not there for her? should i haf insisted on knowing what was wrong with her? and i realised...maybe i am truly at fault. i allowed us to drift apart...no matter how many promises we made...i allowed us to...be so...detached. maybe i should have tried harder...i don't know. i truly don't.
if i were to ask you,
what's wrong?
would you walk away?
would you just smile?
would you tell me...nothing?
would you tell me...anything?
if you were to ask me,
what's wrong?
would i walk away?
would i just smile?
you know when i tell you...nothing,
i meant everything.
you used to know...
and now?
what's wrong?
and now when i tink about us...every single memory just chips away another piece of my heart...every single time we laughed together...just rips away another part of my soul....every single time we hugged...just makes me choke...makes it hard to breathe...every single time we stayed up to talk on the phone...for hours on end...all those times we...talked...
"it hurts."
20:47
