Friday, September 24, 2004
i feel...
tired.
mentally, physically, psychologically, emotionally...everything-ally...i feel lyke i've been holding back on a lifetime's worth of tears and i juz can't cry. cos if i do...what will i feel? sadness, loneliness, depression? feel better? right...
it's e start of e weekend. but...it doesn't feel any different.
i went to sch today, feeling a little crappy but soon got over it. then...we cld go home earlier today...but i decided to stay wif FLORA (haha) to wait for e others who were havin chinese. and me, tracy, jules, flora and delon went home 2gether...and when i got off e bus and was walking to e lift...i felt so...
tired.
i dunno...i juz suddenly felt lyke i hadn't slept in so many days...and it's true...i guess i haven been sleeping. i dunno why...juz been spending e laz few days staring up at e ceiling, trying to sleep...but juz never sleeping.
e fighting is on an all time high...we are seriously becoming strangers. total strangers. it is draining. and exhausting juz thinking abt it.
and of course i realise promos are a week away. and dere's juz so much to study...me and flora were talking abt promos juz now...and e idea of being retained...somethin we both haf never had to worry abt...i mean you always get promoted...back in pri sch, sec sch...
and now...i really do feel i will be retained. e possibility is juz so...real. so "in your face"...and it could juz happen to me. i guess sometimes i feel i've nv gotten used to e jc system even until now.
and my family pins all these hopes on me...which are juz so...depressing when i tink abt it. my dad's always saying i'm e first one from his side to actually go to a jc...all my cuzs went to polys...and sumtimes i wish i had gone to poly too...and i wouldn't hafta feel so freakin guilty everytime he says dat...
my bro...yeah he may be a pain in e ass (a lot)...but he's still my little brother. and i feel i haven been trying hard enuff to help him in his studies....and i'm always telling him to go away and leave me alone...but dat's something which prob won't change. haha.
and my mom...words are not enuff to describe her i guess...she works so hard juz to make sure i haf enuff money for school...dere's juz some little things she does...lyke...telling me to sleep cos it's so late...and juz...being there....and all i wanna do is give her e most amazing life i can. and to do dat...i gotta finish jc...i gotta go to the U...and i gotta get a good job so i can buy her dat houz...so i can gif her dat monthly allowance...and tell her...sit back and relax, mommy...
"i'll take care of you now..."
and my grandma...i love her so much. and i noe she's so proud of me for making it to a jc...whenever i go out wif her, and she's talking to e shopkeeper...she'll proudly declare...
my granddaughter's in a jc...
and i wanna give her e best too...drive her around so she can go shopping...give her money every month too...and i truly don't want to dissapoint her.
and my relatives...
i don't want to dissapoint them.
tired. but i juz can't sleep. studystudystudystudy. i should.
freakin procrastinator. fuck everything.
"tired and depressed. economics.geog.literature.generalpaper.malay. so tired."
22:05
